I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
You Might Also Like
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.