@abhorrent_wife: I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn't remember the term "all caps".
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@ThisLocalHater: [During sex] Me: I know you want me to be "naughty", but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
@Ideal_Victoria: [At a psychic fair] Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money? Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
@DILLONFRANCIS: My mom has been trying to forward me an email since Monday June 23rd.....it's now Friday June 27th.... still no email
@TuffyNyC: It's nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.