@abhorrent_wife: I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn't remember the term "all caps".
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@AmnesiaRose: I wish I had the confidence to just randomly sit on people and start bathing myself like my cat does.
@POTerritory: "Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization." - ancient Chinese proverb
@TheMichaelRock: Me: you like that? *takes out trash* Wife: ooooh Me *starts vacuuming the living room* Wife: oh my god, don't stop
@TheWoodenslurpy: If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.