@abhorrent_wife: I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn't remember the term "all caps".
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@jenlaw_11: How to kiss: 1-open your mouth 2-wider 3-wider 4-unhinge jaw 5-summon the Dark Overlord
@brendohare: The doctors all doubted me. They all thought I couldn't do it. They said I couldn't fight them all at once and well, they were 100% right
@Shelts99: Neighbour:How's the wife? Me:Glowing Neighbour:Pregnant? Me:No, she's on fire, just going for more wood Neighbour:You're sick Me:You're next
@Crunk_Jews: [blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU