I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
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Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.