@CelebrityChez: I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
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@apparentlysmart: Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent's glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
@XplodingUnicorn: I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers. She wasn't interested because it didn't scream out in pain.
@yonewt: Sometimes I get flustered by waitresses and I say things like "Abso-fruit-ly!" and they laugh like I'm so clever but we both know