@CelebrityChez: I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
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@jctwritesstuff: The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don't take him out.
@FrizerkaSandra: There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else's coffee machine.
@ElleOhHell: HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar* BARTENDER: Why the long fa-- HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?