If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
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Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION