@inikoblue: I just asked my friend to come over and "play husband". He's gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
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@matt___nelson: JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t- PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
@CarolinaSong: I'm at the bar & I'm trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
@TheDreamGhoul: [job interview] "any questions?" yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart? "ma'am this is a bank" I know but you seem like a man with some answers
@dumbbeezie: My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I'll probably live a long life. I'm taking the news pretty hard