@inikoblue: I just asked my friend to come over and "play husband". He's gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
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@Gre_Gone: Interviewer: Any special skills? Me: Eclairvoyance. Him: I don't understand. Me: There's a box of donuts in your desk Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
@mattgallo123: The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.
@ericsshadow: ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills] SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow tonight. ME: I'd wait until next week.