I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
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Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient