Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
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Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.