Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
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My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
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My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.