Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
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My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh