@MourningGlory_: I just ate an entire bag of Werther's and now I'm 80 years old, own a floral couch, smoke Virginia Slims, got a perm and my name is Shirley.
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@XLCadillac: My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor's window thinking I locked myself out of my house.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Nothing like an 8:00 meeting on a Monday morning to remind you that your best years are behind you.
@Smooheed: I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering 'I know what you did last Christmas'