I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
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My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
sin harder.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!