@glo_stevens: I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I've learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
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@RoastedPapad: *Buys new iPhone* *Crosses road tweeting about it* *Accident* *Dies* *Makes entry in heaven* - Sent via iPhone.
@MatCro: ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home] GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE? E: Honey, we've talked about this. GF: [sadly] Ok.... wire you insulate?
@BuckyIsotope: [I time travel and bring back Shakespeare] SHAKESPEARE: What’s this? ME: That’s a meme SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people