I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
You Might Also Like
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Cat is stressing him out.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*