I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
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If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Oh the world we live in…
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car