My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
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*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Good dog. ❤️
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Love is always patient and kind.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
the noise i just made
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”