@schmuuur: I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how's your day going?
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@sixfootcandy: My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client's tampon during a bikini wax. I guess she doesn't remember me.
@Birdhumms: Growing up couldn't wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
@joejwest: DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo? ME: [from the kitchen] No DATE: Oh. What's for dinner? ME: A suspiciously large chicken
@noog: World: Hey check out this sport we made called football. America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.