I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
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I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.