I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
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her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out