@KyleMcDowell86: [I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
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@Brampersandon_: Hey where's Brian? "Oh he's taking a p_ _p" A what? "Um dropping a d_ _c_" Huh? "Taking a sh_t....Uhh Cr_p!" Oh! He's evacuating his vowels?
@bridger_w: If I were a mob boss, I'd ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
@furbyburglar: I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I'm gonna kill anyone
@Pork_Chop_Hair: [Speed dating] Me: would you say you’re more of a cat person or a dog person? Black Panther: ... Are you serious right now?