[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
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My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
The Wolf of Wall Street.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.