I can’t stop laughing at this
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What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
🤣🤣🤣
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet