@Black__Elvis: I just blew off some steam and it wouldn't even kiss me afterward.
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@DeanB15: Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
@WilliamAder: A thing I learned at this week's staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
@Thynebear: *walks up to bouncer* "sorry pal, this is a private country club" *peeks inside* [everybody's fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]