I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
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[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.