I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
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Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now