I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
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Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Bike for sale
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it