I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
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I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas