I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
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My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Bobby pin
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”