I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
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Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
What a chick magnet..
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
My first child will be named New Folder.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
This fish is cracking me up
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending