I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
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When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My dating profile:
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
oh u like geography? name every lake
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?