I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
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Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
need him
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.