I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
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[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
you stereotypes are all alike
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.