I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
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Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
😂😂😂
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
79.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.