@PoguePhilosophy: I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
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@RorynotRoy: It's annoying how mirrors are always all like, "Hey, c'mere. I wanna show you something gross about you."
@iwearaonesie: wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this me: Tastes like hand sanitizer wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer? me: Yeah wife me wife me: Why?
@chopper4jk: I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.