I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
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I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.