@PoguePhilosophy: I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
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@aLunchBox: Ignorant person: "You're Canadian. You live in igloos, right?" Me: "You're American. You live in McDonalds', Right?
@AmishPornStar1: I'm not saying I'm an idiot... But if some village comes looking...tell them you never saw me.
@A_SternMan: [interview] Your résumé says you have a "take no prisoners attitude". You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
@Ristolable: *gives joke answer to daughter's 75th consecutive question* [20 years later, she's in an office] "Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973"