I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
You Might Also Like
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
Bootstraps
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.