ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
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Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
This is my emotional support knife.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”