“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
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*looks at you in batman voice*
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
😲 WTF? 😆
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”