‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
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I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Velcrow
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
#catsoftwitter
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time