I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
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[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.