@noduffers: I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you're looking for metaphors, I'm probably the grapefruit.
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@murrman5: [surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change [me who's always been a good tipper] you're welcome
@joejwest: DAD: Sorry it's not a pony, honey. Best I could do LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
@shutupmikeginn: if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
@AmishPornStar1: I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.