I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
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I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.