@drunktweets81: I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
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@DanielRCarrillo: Raid™: For when you don't want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
@WildeThingy: [dog social media] Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption - "woof, woof, woof." Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
@KayRants: Ignoring your text is easy. It's having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I'm not home when you drive by that's awkward.
@Mike_Bianchi: Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.