“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
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life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I’m dying louder than usual today.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?