“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
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Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says