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@freypalm: “I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
@Eightinchgoat: Whoever said "The best things in life are free" obviously knew a very unsuccessful coke dealer.
@codyspencer0: Somebody said "hey wanna eat this apple" and I said "no thanks I ate a PC for lunch"
@HeyoShellz: My 4 year old refused his dinner but it's ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
@slaughthie: "Oh hey there, didn't recognize you with your cap on," I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
@GrandadJFreeman: Whoever said "money doesn't grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.