“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
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Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.