*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
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Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
cause of death:
autopsy.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.