I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
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A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…