I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
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No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Kids, do not try this at home!
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee