I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
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I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
🤣
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,