Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
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I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.