Do one person every day that scares you.
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Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”