I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
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ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
the dark web is just a goth google.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Animal poetry
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”