@flukyness: I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I'm doing at life
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@ibid78: [good cop] admit you stole those diamonds [suspect] wait but I peed on them so now they're mine [dog cop] Jim he has a point
@MomOfTeen: My youngest son's dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute. I admire his hope that they'll bounce up and swish down.
@CulturedRuffian: Our 'thoughts and prayers' go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
@causticbob: I took a girl back to my flat. "You haven't removed many bras have you?" she sighed. "What gave it away?" "The scissors, mainly."