@flukyness: I just cut my hand on a box of band aids if you were wondering how I'm doing at life
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@ProdigyNelson: [bedroom] Her: omg don't stop Me: what was that? Her: *sighs* Simon says don't stop
@MUMSIEesq: ME: I should get out of bed. FRIEND: I already ran 9.5 miles and baked 17 cakes. M: I might shower today. F: My husband invented showers.
@BorowitzReport: Romney: "I have nothing but respect for women. I'm good friends with the owners of some."
@longwall26: I scream. You scream. We all scream. We're being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.