Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
You Might Also Like
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
*swipes right on my hand mirror
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
crying
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!