The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Best table by far
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding