@LuvPug: I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can't tweet it again because it's already been stolen
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@HatfieldAnne: The orthodontist says I'm doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I'm able to put things in my mouth.
@BackrowSeats: The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.
@AddledPixie: "Unhand me you cad!" I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I've only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
@Vodkantots: Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? Me: Do these jeans make me look fat? Cop: You're free to go.