I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger