I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.