“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
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“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
This could be us… but you playing
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
“We will wed,” I threatened
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.